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  • Alison Butters

Swimming in the ‘Ick’

I have documented my relationship with the ‘ick’, the messy middle, the uncomfortableness, the feeling that will be known to you in an incredibly unique way. The spectrum of emotions, feelings and thoughts that surface when you step into the arena, jump into unknown waters, feeling vulnerable, exposed, uncertain and a million miles outside your comfort zone. That is the ‘ick’.


Now that I have bonded with my own ‘ick’, I am going to ask you to do something counter intuitive; fall in love with yours. Be the bison in the storm. I appreciate there are differing ways to approach leaving your comfort zone. I perhaps need to qualify comfort zone as that descriptor does not really give the depth and dimension of the emotional intensity involved, those inner most emotions that you may not fully understand or even recognize. Your deepest recesses that you are the gatekeeper for, you hold the keys. Those keys open a door, the one to your soul. Trust in yourself to turn the key and step over the threshold.

I have pondered, processed and this is my perspective. Personally I feel the intense, shorter burst of pain is preferably to the longer, slower route. I went the bison route and me and the ‘Ick’ and I may not be lovers; we are developing a platonic relationship.


There were three things that most concerned me and served to make the 'ick' grow exponentially. My credibility was the predominant one. I felt that somehow, as soon as I stepped out into the arena, I would become almost translucent and all the parts of me, even the darker ones; hello shame and guilt, would be seen. I was also wrapped up in other people’s opinions. This then served to heighten the holy trinity, lack of self-confidence. That is what happens when fear is in the driving seat. When we are operating from our sympathetic nervous system, we are in fight or flight mode.


Making rational decisions from here is akin to trying to eating jelly and whistle at the same time. Whilst not impossible, it can get messy. Clarity is the bedfellow of focus and without these, you do not take any action. Hence no progression and that perceived comfort of our preferred zone is the one we reside in most. You become a self-fulfilling prophecy to your inner critic. You will be all too familiar with the conversation, I have them on a regular basis. It goes something like this…’see I told you this was a bad idea’,’ what do you think you are doing’, 'you have something to offer someone else’. You will probably recognize the narrative; you will undoubtedly have your own.


Now is the time to re-write your narrative and I want to take my coaching hat off for a moment and proffer how you may take your life on another trajectory, one that may not be possible from outside the arena, it may take far longer, diminishing your potential and not shining your brilliance out into the world. The two limbs that are intrinsically linked are increasing your own self-awareness and acting. No magic, complex formula, it is a simple as that. The execution is excruciating.

You are not jumping into the abyss. Once you do make that soul twisting decision to jump in, your innate survival instincts kick in and you find yourself floating and not drowning. You may feel suffocated initially, you come up for air and then the quest unfurls. I use quest purposefully as this denotes a search, a journey is merely for one place to another. A quest is arduous, requires a tenacious spirit. That is swimming in the ‘ick’. There are still parts to discover, you can only do so by being in the pool or arena outside of your comfort zone. You have a choice. I elected to being seen, and to come out of hiding.


I feel liberated for doing so. I feel I can not go back now, not in terms of the point of no return. Once you are in the middle, having done the initial hard work, why go back? Progression equals growth. Intuitively I sense that the ‘ick’ and I will have a more meaningful and nuanced relationship from here on in, one of a deeper understanding that will help me heal those parts that I chose to be hidden. I can relinquish what no longer serves, understand and accept myself due to my bravery, be myself, unashamedly by reconciling and swimming in my ‘ick’. Are you hiding? Only you will know the answer. Visibility is not fatal; atrophy of soul is. Time is finite, I will be using mine to learn to swim and being seen.

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